How to Get Rich by Being Evil
Explore satirical tactics for building wealth through questionable means, while reflecting on the real ethics of financial success.
Everyone dreams of striking it rich, but what if the straight-and-narrow path feels too slow? This article dives into a tongue-in-cheek exploration of ‘evil’ strategies for amassing wealth quickly. Drawing from age-old tales of greed and modern cautionary examples, we’ll cover underhanded tactics that have tempted many. Disclaimer: This is satire—engaging in illegal activities leads to prison, not prosperity. True wealth builds on ethics, hard work, and value creation.
1. Start a Pyramid Scheme
Pyramid schemes promise exponential riches by recruiting others into your ‘business.’ You pocket fees from recruits who then recruit more, creating a pyramid where only the top earns big—until it collapses. Historically, these schemes exploit trust, preying on friends and family first.
- Step 1: Invent a vague product, like ‘miracle wellness drops’ with no real value.
- Step 2: Host flashy seminars promising 300% returns.
- Step 3: Collect upfront fees ($500–$5,000 per recruit) while delivering nothing substantial.
- Pro Tip: Use social proof—fake testimonials and luxury cars to lure victims.
Real-world fallout? The U.S. Federal Trade Commission (FTC) prosecutes these aggressively, with penalties including fines up to $11,000 per violation and jail time. Charles Ponzi’s 1920 scheme netted millions before ruining thousands, landing him in prison.
U.S. Federal Trade Commission. (2023). Pyramid Schemes. https://www.ftc.gov/business-guidance/resources/pyramid-schemes
2. Insider Trading
Why guess on stocks when you can cheat? Insider trading involves using non-public info to buy/sell securities for unfair profit. Executives, lawyers, or tippees whisper hot tips, turning thousands into millions overnight.
| Tactic | Risk Level | Potential Gain |
|---|---|---|
| Tip from CEO friend | High | $1M+ per trade |
| Hack company emails | Extreme | Unlimited |
| Family member leaks | Medium | $500K avg |
Martha Stewart served five months in prison for it in 2004. The SEC enforces via Rule 10b-5, with civil penalties tripling profits and criminal cases up to 20 years.
U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. (2024). Insider Trading. https://www.sec.gov/enforcement/insider-trading
3. Run a Fake Charity
Exploit goodwill: Set up a charity for a hot cause like ‘disaster relief.’ Collect donations via emotional appeals, then divert 99% to your pocket. Minimal overhead— a website and PO box suffice.
- Target disasters or holidays for peak giving.
- Forgo IRS 501(c)(3) registration to avoid scrutiny.
- Launder via shell companies.
The FBI tracks fraud; post-Hurricane Katrina, fake charities stole millions. State AGs and IRS audits lead to felony charges.
Federal Bureau of Investigation. (2022). Charity Fraud. https://www.fbi.gov/scams-and-safety/common-scams-and-crimes/charity-fraud
4. Price Gouging During Crises
Crises spike demand—hoard essentials like masks or generators, resell at 10x markup. Dynamic pricing apps automate this ‘evil genius.’
In 2020, 38 states enacted gouging laws during COVID; violators face $1,000–$25,000 fines per incident. Federal price controls apply in emergencies.
U.S. Federal Trade Commission. (2023). Price Gouging. https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/topics/competition-matters/2020/03/price-gouging-during-covid-19-pandemic
5. Exploit Labor: Underpay and Overwork
Hire desperate workers, classify as ‘independent contractors’ to dodge taxes/benefits. Pay minimum wage (or less off-books), demand 80-hour weeks.
- Use gig apps to skirt regulations.
- Target immigrants fearing deportation.
U.S. Department of Labor enforces FLSA; violations yield backpay + damages. Modern slavery cases lead to 20-year sentences.
U.S. Department of Labor. (2024). Fair Labor Standards Act. https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/flsa
6. Patent Trolling
Buy vague patents, sue companies for ‘infringement’ even if unused. Extort settlements cheaper than court.
NTD sued Apple for $10B over slide-to-unlock. USPTO reforms via America Invents Act curb abuse, but trolls persist.
U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. (2023). Patent Litigation Trends. https://www.uspto.gov/patents/laws/patent-related-notices/patent-litigation-trends
7. Environmental Dumping
Skip waste disposal fees—dump toxins in remote areas or rivers. Short-term savings, long-term profits.
EPA fines reach $50,000/day under RCRA. Love Canal disaster poisoned a town, bankrupting Hooker Chemical.
U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. (2024). Resource Conservation and Recovery Act. https://www.epa.gov/rcra
8. Counterfeiting Luxury Goods
Knock off Rolexes, Gucci bags—sell online at 10% cost. Global market: $500B annually.
Customs seizes billions; trademark laws impose 10-year sentences.
U.S. Customs and Border Protection. (2023). Intellectual Property Rights Seizures. https://www.cbp.gov/trade/ipr
9. Bait and Switch Sales
Advertise $99 TVs, upsell unavailable junk at markup. Car dealers master this.
FTC bans it; $10,000+ fines.
U.S. Federal Trade Commission. (2022). Bait-and-Switch Advertising. https://www.ftc.gov/legal-library/browse/statutes/telemarketing-sales-rule
10. Lobby for Favorable Laws
Donate to politicians for tax loopholes, subsidies. Big Pharma lobbies $300M/year.
Legal but scrutinized; ethics reforms ongoing.
U.S. Senate Office of Public Records. (2024). Lobbying Disclosure. https://www.senate.gov/legislative/Lobbying/Lobby_Disclosure_Act.pdf
The Real Path to Riches: Why Evil Backfires
Greed tempts, but stats show ethical wealth endures. Forbes 400: Most self-made via innovation, not crime. Prison strips gains; 90% of Ponzi schemes collapse in 18 months. Build value—start businesses, invest wisely.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Q: Can you really get rich quick without jail?
A: Rare; lotteries or inheritance aside, sustainable wealth takes time. Schemes fail 99%.
Q: Is money evil?
A: No—’love of money’ is the root, per biblical views. It’s a tool.
Q: What’s the biggest risk in these tactics?
A: Legal action—DOJ prosecutes white-collar crime fiercely.
Q: Ethical alternatives to get rich?
A: Entrepreneurship, frugality, investing. Warren Buffett: Compound interest over decades.
Q: Why do people equate rich with evil?
A: Jealousy, media bias toward scandalous billionaires.
References
- Pyramid Schemes / Business Guidance / FTC — U.S. Federal Trade Commission. 2023-10-15. https://www.ftc.gov/business-guidance/resources/pyramid-schemes
- Insider Trading / Enforcement / SEC — U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission. 2024-01-10. https://www.sec.gov/enforcement/insider-trading
- Charity Fraud / Scams and Safety / FBI — Federal Bureau of Investigation. 2022-09-20. https://www.fbi.gov/scams-and-safety/common-scams-and-crimes/charity-fraud
- Fair Labor Standards Act Advisor — U.S. Department of Labor. 2024-02-05. https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/flsa
- Patent Litigation Trends — U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. 2023-11-30. https://www.uspto.gov/patents/laws/patent-related-notices/patent-litigation-trends
- RCRA Overview — U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. 2024-03-12. https://www.epa.gov/rcra
- Intellectual Property Rights Enforcement — U.S. Customs and Border Protection. 2023-12-01. https://www.cbp.gov/trade/ipr
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